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Hold On to Your Crotch Rocket! These Porn Star Bios Will Be the Best Thing You Read Today

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In a time when writing the perfect Instagram bio can cause a headache, there might be an answer few have ever thought of before: Find the person who writes bios for porn stars.

When a friend of mine encouraged me to look at the porn on his phone for the savage description of a horny-vore named Kleio Valentien, I realized skin flicks aren’t all about sex. They can also be a great read.

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Kleio Valentien

Kleio Valentien is punk rock’s response to adult contemporary pornography. She’s a bottle-blonde, tatted-up babe with an attitude that makes most men clam up before they can stop their loads from spilling down their pant legs. Born and raised in Austin, Texas, she certainly adopted that town’s motto to keep it weird and freaky. If Austin isn’t your average Texas town, then Kleio isn’t your average Texan porn slut. She was always determined to make a name for herself by breaking boundaries and slamming expectations. Kleio has done all that and more. She can eat a cunt out like a ravished horny-vore. She can suck a dick like a vacuum on steroids. She can take cocks in her vagina or asshole and ride them until the very last thrust. Kleio really shines in an orgy, where she always out-screws every partner every time. When everyone else in an orgy needs a breather or a smoke break, Kleio will just flick the shit out of her bean and keep grabbing at cocks and cunts in a sweaty frenzy. Kleio can be the subservient slave girl, or the domineering queen bitch, and she loves kinky roleplay almost as much as she loves the taste of cum. Her skills have made her a leading star at studios like the punky Burning Angel. Sometimes going by just ‘Kleio’, this girl is an all-year-round holiday for your testicles. Via Pornub

Jayden James

Hold on to your crotch rocket, boys, because this is the one and only Jayden Fucking James. No other girl in the business has commanded such erectile attention as Jayden, with her swimsuit-edition body, gorgeous good looks, and shameless appetite for filthy bedroom boundary pushing. Jayden has been a fan favorite superstar slut since shooting her first scenes while still a wholesome community college gal. Since then, she’s been flexing her awesome fuck-hole muscles for tons of bone thrusters in over 300 films. She’s an award winner of everything from Best Body to Best Orgy Scene, meaning it doesn’t matter if she’s riding solo or surrounded by dripping pussies and drizzling dicks, she always delivers up the goods. Speaking of goods, Jayden has a full house of all the right porn stuff. Her Double D rack has been carefully crafted and enhanced to plushy perfection, and doesn’t it look so good glistening with a milky pearl necklace. She’s got a vajayjay so addictive, you’d think guys were getting hits of oxygen from the way they inhale at her pussy. Once that filthy flower spreads its petals, you know it’s time to enter the bone zone. Jayden’s shapely ass is an absolute dick magnet, and once it’s greased up with a generous heaping of sex oil, like in Elegant Angel’s “Big Wet Asses 17”, where Mike Stefano made her gape like he was opening up a vortex to paradise, you’ll be transported there, too. Via Pornhub

Sara Jay

Lady Jay, Lady Jay, what can we say? We know you’re here to stay with those amazingly massive and booming Ta-Tays! OK, enough with the poetry, because Sara Jay has got no time for words in her mouth when she’d sooner be swallowing meters of macho meat. If there’s one thing that keeps bringing the soldiers to lay down arms and surrender to Sara, it’s her jugs. Take a look at those swollen melons and can’t you imagine suffocating your face buried deep in their hot mama cleavage? She’s got those Double Ds to match her attitude: Down and Dirty. No matter how mature this busty cougar gets, the nastier she likes to take it, and one way this self-proclaimed “most curvaceous porn star in the industry” likes to take it is Big Black Dick, her favorite dish. She’s got numerous awards for her interracial action, because of her love of dark meat, and her curves and booty can rival any Nubian beauty. Off camera, Ms. Jay is less into rivalry and more into good health and living right, and we here at Pornhub commend a lifestyle of staying fit but also keeping it large and in charge… it’s like the best of both worlds. So speaking of both worlds: Tits and Ass, Sara Jay is one burning sun to heat them all. Via Pornhub

Mia Malkova

Some girls are so damn hot that they can get you bent out of shape. Well, tawny blonde Mia Malkova can bend her body into any shape she pleases, and that’s sure to please all of the horny cocks and wet pussies out there. This girl has acrobatic and contortionist abilities that could even twist a pretzel into a new knot. Ankles behind her neck and feet over her back so she can kiss her toes, turned, twisted and gyrating, she can fuck any which way she wants. And that ass! Talk about perfection… maybe it’s all the acrobatic work that keeps it in such gorgeous shape? Who cares really, because you just want to take a big bite out of it and never let go. But it’s not all about body. Mia’s also got a great smile, which might not sound kinky, but trust us, it’s a smile that will heat up your innards and drop your pants. Is it her golden skin, her innocent pink lips or that heart-shaped face? There’s just too much good stuff going on with Mia Malkova, which is maybe why these past few years have heaped awards upon awards on this Southern California native. Mia has the honor of being Brazzers contract girl under her belt, so you know she’s only going for top-notch scenes with top-game performers, men and women. Better hit up that yoga studio if you ever dream of being able to bang a flexible and talented chick like Lady Markova. Via Pornhub

Christy Mack

Now here’s a girl you want to ride like you would straddle a Harley-Davidson motorcycle and cause absolute hell with in awesome filthy fuck fests. Christy Mack is a badass, tatted-up chick whose naked body is a piece of rated-XXX artwork. She started her famous career being a model for tattoo magazines and websites, as well as some photo shoots for Brazzers and Bang Bros. Being so close to actual professional fucking tempted this girl to spread open her legs and take it multiple times in her twat and up her ass. Now, you can own your very own copy of both her fun-holes as Christy has lent her naughty designs be turned into Fleshlights. What’s better than watching your favorite porn slut and wanking it right into an exact replica of her vajay and butt tunnel? Christy Mack was the official Miss Freeones for 2013 which proves her fan loyalty and dedication to testicular stress relief. Christy is a natural fetish freak with a hankering for amazing double penetration, like she might leak out all her sex guts if she isn’t regularly plugged up with dick. If it’s not dick she’s slaughtering, this girl can suck the orgasm out of a pussy like she’s the cunt whisperer. When she played Zatanna in Vivid’s “The Dark Knight XXX”, you can bet she converted tons of dudebros to nerdy comic fanboys, albeit fanboys with major raging boners. Via Pornhub

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Anyone Who’s Anyone Is Taking Pedialyte to Cure Hangovers

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Pedialyte is the most popular morning-after product on the market. A third of the child’s flu medicine’s sales now come from hungover adults.

Tequila can make our clothes fall off and it can also make us wake up in our own vomit. Nonetheless, tequila is sometimes there for us when we need it. The makers of Pedialyte understand the importance of respecting the dignity of the agave-based distilled beverage and the urgency of lending support when tequila slaps us in the face. That’s why Pedialyte is now getting Pedialit and helping us cure our nastiest hangovers.

Yes, Pedialyte is designed to promote rehydration and electrolyte replacement in ill children. But it also works for adults.

Pedialyte’s senior brand manager told Vox: “The beauty of the product is that the benefits haven’t changed — Pedialyte is still a medical-grade hydration solution backed by advanced science. We don’t endorse heavy drinking or claim to cure hangovers, but our users find confidence in having a trusted rehydration solution that works.”

They may not endorse heavy drinking, but they surely support a good party.

Not only is there a Pedialyte party, but people 👏🏼 are 👏🏼 here 👏🏼 for 👏🏼 it  👏🏼.

On that note… BRB. Stocking up on Pedialyte.

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Pickledelphia Rescheduled for October, See You There

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Shit weather put Philly’s first-ever pickle festival in, well, a pickle. The rain washed away plans for the food fest to take place earlier this month, but a new day has been chosen: Sunday, October 14.

The festival will still go down at The Piazza at Schmidt’s Commons when it unites pickle lovers this fall.

In case this is the first time you’re hearing about Pickledelphia, here’s what to expect: More than a dozen food vendors, plus 15 pickle companies, who’ll be selling themed edibles such as pickle-flavored ice cream, pickle creme brûlée, and pickle pizza.

Pickledelphia even partnered with Jameson for a pickle back bar. Yeah, they’re not fucking around. Pickle Bloody Mary’s. Pickle margaritas. This is not a drill.

Better than the Weekend will have a tent set up with some giveaways, so be sure to say hi.

Information on the event, presented by Studio 27 Print & Design and Digital Force Agency, can be found by visiting their website: phillypicklefest.com.

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Inside Performix House: The Gym That’s Harder to Get In than an Ivy League School

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Welcome to Performix House — if they’ll let you in. This is New York’s latest elite fitness establishment and it’s where the most driven, fit, influential, able-bodied minds unite to achieve the ultimate Instagram-worthy body. With a 13 percent acceptance rate, it’s easier to get accepted to an Ivy League university such as Cornell.

The fitness incubator is an extension of Performix, a sports performance supplement brand available for sale in GNC and The Vitamin Shoppe.

The lowest tier of membership begins at $249 per month, which does not include independent gym access: members must have a scheduled personal training session with one of Performix House’s trainers to use the fitness facility. For $899 each month, members enjoy the luxury of unlimited access to Performix House’s premium amenities, including massages and cryotherapy.

One month of top-tier membership could allow someone to work out at Planet Fitness for seven-and-a-half years. It would even cost less to lease a 2018 Maserati than it would to be a member at Performix House.

Their personal trainers, who they refer to as collaborators instead of employees, have access to Performix House’s professional video production team to create the best fitness content. videographer and editor to create content. “We’re helping them connect with their consumers and grow their following,” says Hesse.

Devon Levesque is among their training collaborators. He has more than 80,000 Instagram followers.

The dude is a beast.

Matt Hesse, founder and CEO of Performix House, accepted about 230 members out of roughly 1800 applicants.

Hesse told Forbes membership isn’t unobtainable. He wants to bring together a community of driven individuals. Each applicant is given the opportunity to answer one testing question: What do you do to own every day?

After hearing that, my new goal is to work out at Performix House.

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